


Struggle

by xserenity



Series: Never Alone [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Objectification, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Slight Sexual Harassment, Supporting boyfriend, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 14:50:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11164146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xserenity/pseuds/xserenity
Summary: All Dick wanted was to get better. He thought he was but whenever he gets caught in an uncomfortable situation, he falls back another step.





	Struggle

**Author's Note:**

> Finally got around to updating this. Been in the works for a while but I momentarily forgot about it.

Dick gasped loudly, struggled to breathe as he heaved, trying to return air to his lungs. He swung an arm over his eyes, could feel the sweat soaking his face.

He tried to shut down his mind, tried to erase all that he'd seen in his nightmare. Tried to rid all these emotions swelling within him. He tried and tried and it just wasn't working.

He can't calm down. Can't seem to stop thinking about _them_ . Those people who took advantage of him, made him feel ashamed of himself. Made him feel disgusted at himself. It was an awful feeling and Dick knew that none of it was really his fault. He knows _now_ . He knows after having heard it from Bruce… _from Jason_.

He dreaded how much these issues have built up within him. He hated how much it's traumatized him, how he can't function normally like before.

He forced his eyes shut but couldn’t seem to calm down enough to fall back to sleep. He took shallow breaths and turned to his side to flip the switch on the lamp from his nightstand. It was already four in the morning.

His heart was beating a mile a minute and there was no way he was going to sleep again for the night. Add to the fact that he was afraid he'd have a nightmare again.

He reached for his phone and swiped it off the table. Dick read through Jason's old texts and smiled at them. His words seemed to calm Dick down and he felt a little more relaxed. Only a little.

Dick really wanted to hear his voice but he knew it was late and Jason was probably sleeping right now. But Dick couldn’t stand being alone in the darkness of his room, in the quiet of his apartment and just needed to hear him so he found himself dialing his number.

It rang three times before it went through.

“-ello?” Jason slurred, voice heavy with sleep.

Dick chuckled a little to himself, could feel a warm calm wash over him. “ _Jay._ ”

“Hm? Dickie…?”

“Yeah. It's me. Sorry for waking you up. I just - I just wanted to hear your voice. I'll hang up though since you’re sleeping.”

“Nah. It's ‘kay.”

“But –”

“Are you okay? Didya have another nightmare?”

It was so endearing how considerate Jason was of him and how well he treated him.

“...Yeah. I did. I'm okay though. I just couldn't go back to sleep.”

“Want me to come over?”

“No… _No._ It's okay Jay. I just wanted to hear you. I'll let you go though.”

“Nah. Let's talk. Do you,” Jason paused, yawning loudly before he continued. “Want to talk about it?”

Dick laughed softly. “Not right now plus you're tired. It's okay. Just sleep.”

“Nooo… I want to,” and he yawned again. “Talk to you. “

“Okay. Tell me about your night then,” Dick said as he got comfortable and put his cell phone on speaker, laying it down on the extra pillow beside him.

“Well, this asshole - “

Dick listened as Jason told him about his patrol night, how he was able to stop a drug trade. But it didn't take long for the tiredness to overtake him, and his words slurred as his yawns increased.

“Jason. Go to sleep.”

“No no. I'm not tired.”

“Don't worry about me. Just sleep. I feel better now.”

“But – “

“No buts. Good night Jason.”

“G’night.”

Dick hung up and pulled the comforters up to his neck. He snuggled in deeper to the mattress and closed his eyes. Seemingly he was able to fall right to sleep, having a peaceful dream.

\------

“Excuse me –“ Dick said and jumped right into the middle of a fight.  

There was a bit of a scuffle going on while he was patrolling tonight so he went to take a look. Turned out, there were a few burly looking men harnessing a few nice women.

“How about you leave them alone?” Dick said as he gestured at one of them to let go of the girl he had in his possession. The man had a firm grip on her wrist as she was backed into the wall, huddling close to her friend.

“Make me.”

“Suit yourself.”

The men jumped at Dick as he dodged their attacks. He swiftly grabbed the ends of his escrima sticks and brought it forward, twirling it skillfully as he smacked one of the men across the chest.

They continued their advances as Dick fought back, avoiding weak punches as he punished them. From the corner of his eye, he saw one of them still harassing the women. He leaped towards their direction and landed a kick to the man's face, shoving him aside with sheer force. He landed right in front of the ladies.

“You ladies alright?”

They didn't seem as frightened as Dick would have thought but they were definitely relieved.

“Yes. Thank you,” the girl in the tight black dress said.

One of the men rose up from the ground and glared at him. He readied his stance and was about to attack Dick again.  

Dick just smirked and motioned his hand for him to come.  

“Go get them handsome!” one of the ladies behind him shouted, cheering him on and then he felt a smack against his butt.

Dick tensed from the touch, feeling very uncomfortable. But he didn't reprimand them and instead ignored it.

“You have a really nice butt.”

Dick cringed at that comment, feeling bile rise in his throat and he wanted to puke. He didn't understand why they felt the need to make unnecessary comments at him suddenly.

Dick sighed quietly to himself and tried his best to not let it get to him but honestly, it made him feel sick. He wanted to run.

“You bastard!”

The men advanced at him and Dick quickly fought them down. They were the typical street thugs who thought they were strong but really weren't. Once they were defeated and lying on the ground, Dick quickly zip tied them up.

He could hear shuffling and giggling from behind him and turned to look at the two girls who were throwing flirtatious smiles his way and _damn_ , Dick just wanted to leave but he decided to be courteous.

“You girls are fine to go home. I'll take care of them.”

“Yes of course. Thank you so much Nightwing!” the girl in the black dress threw herself at him, hugging Dick which almost caused him to reflexively shove her away but he restrained himself. Dick didn't want to hurt her and yet, he felt her cope another feel of his butt, squeezing it and right then and there, Dick kindly grabbed her wrist and gently pushed her off.

Before the other could do anything, he bid farewell and grappled away.  

\------

Somehow he was able to make it to Jason's place. He was out of sorts from what had happened earlier with those women. And he didn't want to be alone.

He tapped on the window to Jason's safe house and waited for him to answer. He knew the man was home since his lights were on. Within a minute, Jason answered and opened the window for him.

Dick quickly entered before anyone could see him.

“Hey Di-” before Jason could finish his sentence, Dick shoved him out of the way and bolted for the bathroom. He fell to his knees and crouched around the toilet, hurling into the bowl. He could hear footsteps and he knew Jason was close but he couldn't concentrate, too busy listening to his own retching.

God it felt _nasty_ and he just wanted it to stop but he felt so sick to the stomach that he couldn't hold anything back. He sensed that Jason was at his side and felt a hesitant hand at his back. Jason cautiously placed his hand on Dick's back and when the vigilante didn't flinch back, he began rubbing small circles to ease his nausea.

After basically emptying everything out of his stomach, Dick leaned back, slumped against the bathtub, breathing heavily. He was having a small panic attack. He could feel Jason’s soft touch, continually rubbing small circles on his back to sooth him down. He breathed in and out, trying to calm himself.

They were quiet for a long time, could only hear Dick's loud erratic breathing before it slowly normalized.  

“Better?” Jason broke the silence first. Dick nodded in response.  

“Let's get you cleaned up.”

Dick didn't respond. His throat burned and his breath stank of puke. He nodded to give his consent and allowed Jason to help him stand up.

His legs felt like jelly. He could barely walk on his own without tumbling to the ground. Jason kept a firm arm around his waist, holding him while the other held his hand as he guided him to the bedroom. He sat Dick down and then disappeared only to reappear again with two glasses – one filled with water and the other empty.

“Wash.”

Jason handed him both glasses and pulled out a bottle of mouthwash. Dick quickly washed up, getting rid of the bile taste in his mouth and spit it out into the empty glass. Jason took them away and disappeared again.  

Dick collapsed against the bed only to be pulled up moments later. Jason carefully helped strip him out of his suit and then dressed him up in a pair of his pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Gently he swiped Dick's hair back, running his fingers through soft ebony locks. Dick leaned into the touch and a small whimper escaped his lips.

Jason was gone again and Dick wished he'd just stay put. When he returned, Jason helped Dick into bed. The acrobat relaxed against the mattress and snuggled under the covers, pulling them tight against his chest as he rolled onto his side.

Jason positioned himself so he was leaned against the bedpost with a book resting in his lap. Dick pressed his face into Jason’s thighs, resting his head against him. A small smile crept upon Jason’s face as he dimmed the lights and flipped open to where his bookmark was. With his free hand, he played with Dick's hair. Gently caressing it, running his fingers through affectionately and slowly, Dick’s body relaxed, the tension ebbing away. Jason was so good to him and he felt safe when he was around.

His nerves were washed away and he was able to drift into a peaceful slumber.

\------

A few days have passed since that night. Jason hadn't asked Dick about what had happened but he did poke on it a little bit. Dick wasn't up for discussion with it quite yet so he left it at that.

They went out for dinner the following night at a local restaurant a few blocks away from Jason's place. Jason was complaining that he was too tired to cook so they went out for food instead.

The both of them were huddled in a booth seat near the back wall of the restaurant. It was a nice spot, away from most of the crowd. They were having small talk, discussing anything they wanted that came up in conversation. It was nice and he was enjoying their time together.

Dick knew that he really liked Jason and he wanted to tell him but he wasn’t sure how to convey it. Jason had been so careful with him and kind and caring and it made Dick want to cry because he doesn't _deserve_ it. How Jason dealt with his trauma and how patient he was with him.

But everything was complicated and it made Dick feel a little stressed out.

He excused himself to use the bathroom. When Dick finished his business and came back out, there was someone waiting at the door which was odd because it wasn't a single bathroom. He ignored it and moved to go back to his seat but the large man moved to block his path. Dick gave him a look.

“Excuse me? Could you please move?”

When the man didn't respond Dick shifted to the side to go around him but then man followed his movements.

“I'm sorry but could you please move?” He tried one more time and this time the man grinned at him in a leering smile. It sent a shiver up Dick's spine and he could feel goosebumps crawling on his arms.

“I've been watching you. You know, you're pretty hot.”

Dick groaned in disgust. This was not happening to him right now. _Just_ – he didn’t want to be in this situation.

“You should ditch your date and come with me. I'll treat you better,” he said as he winked.

Dick just wanted to get out of this uncomfortable situation as soon as possible. “I'm sorry. I'm not interested.” He politely declined.

Once again Dick tried to brush past him but then the man decided to take action into his own hands and grabbed Dick's wrist, pulling him back. Dick tried not to freak out and he didn’t want to cause a commotion so he tried to remain as stoic as possible; though internally he just wanted to scream at the creep to not touch him and then punch him the face.

“ _Let go._ ”

“No.” The creepy man grinned and snaked an arm around his waist, pressing a hand against Dick's butt and fondling it. _Okay_ – that was the _last straw_ . Dick was _not okay_ with this at all. He shoved him away with all of his strength and the man tumbled back with a surprised look.

Dick was trembling in rage and fear and his emotions were welling up. He was not going to be treated like this or let himself be manhandled. He shoved past the man and he let him go, probably surprised by Dick's strength. The acrobat could feel his face turning cold, and he was sure he looked awful and Jason will for sure notice.

When he met Jason's eyes he could see the worried look on his face.

“Whoa. Are you okay?”

“No,” Dick croaked.

“Do you want to leave?”

“Can we just sit for a bit? I feel sick.”

“Yeah okay,” Jason responded and when Dick didn’t make any indication to sit on his side of the table, Jason got the clue and slid in. Dick took a seat right next to him and rested his head on Jason's shoulder. He closed his eyes shut and took in deep breaths to calm himself. He blindly searched for Jason's hand and twined their fingers together. They're nice and warm in comparison to his cold and clammy ones.

Jason didn’t say anything but squeezed his hand instead. Dick continued to rest until he felt like he’d regained his footing again. He could hear Jason asking for their check and paying for the bill.

Once Dick felt well enough, they left and returned back to his place.

\------

They were finally going to talk about it. Dick knew that he couldn’t avoid it now. Jason helped settle him down on the couch, still holding onto his hand and rubbed small circles with his thumb. It was comforting. It was a thing that Jason often did for Dick when he felt awful.

“So, tell me what happened,” Jason spoke with a calm tone but he could tell there was a bit of worry in it. He was hiding his emotions well, at least for now. Dick knew that Jason was bound to explode when he found out.

“Okay. Well…where to start?” Dick breathed, trying to figure out the best way to approach this.

“Anywhere.”

“Okay…so,” Dick sighed, feeling stressed. “I- I don’t.” And he was struggling. But Jason was being patient with him, waiting for Dick and not rushing him. “Remember that night? When I came over and well…vomited. There’s a reason for that.”

Jason nodded at him, urging him to continue.

Another breath. “So. So – I was out patrolling. I saved these women from a crowd of men harassing them. They weren’t hard and everything was fine. But – the women. They just um – they kept making remarks about me. Like, how hot I was or how nice my butt was. And then they’d uh – “ His heart was racing and his fingers were shaking, breath growing erratic. Just thinking about it made him feel extremely uncomfortable.

“Dick, it’s okay. I’m here,” Jason squeezed his hand, showing him that he has support.

Dick paused for a moment, trying to push back the bile that was threatening to crawl up his throat. “These women, they were touching me.”

At that remark, Jason’s eyes narrowed, a flicker of anger reflecting in those green orbs.

“Uh. Just my butt. They just copped a feel. I mean, I didn’t like it. Okay _I hated it_. And the first time I ignored it. But the second time, I just pushed her away and ran off. Then back at the restaurant, some guy was hitting on me. And he just – um, he got handsy. But I shoved him away. I just don’t understand. Why people keep – keep thinking it's okay to do that.”

“Sexual objectification. They’re objectifying you Dick. It’s not your fault. I’m going to make this clear okay?”

“I understand. I know now. _It’s not me_. It’s just – it’s my looks that attract them. But does it look like I even want the attention?”

“Absolutely not.”

“I just don’t want the attention. I don’t like it. I get it. I know I’m attractive. And I’m fine if it’s you know, mutual attraction. But not when they’re basically… basically…” he was struggling to say the words.

“They have no permission to touch you,” Jason said.

Dick nodded. “Right. The ogling I can’t stop but the unnecessary touching. I just feel violated. I don’t want to be treated as a – a sexual object. I just want to be me. It makes me feel sick and uncomfortable. That they just go for my looks and my body. And they don’t care about how I feel or who I am.”

Jason quietly listened as Dick spilled out all the stress and issues he’d piled on himself.

“I don’t – I don’t just do casual. It doesn’t work like that for me.”

“I understand.”

“I’m just not sexually attracted to those I don’t have an emotional bond with. And yet, people feel the need to take advantage of me. I mean the whole, you know, still bothers me to this day. I can’t sleep well sometimes. I hate it. It freaks me out whenever my mind wonders back to it. The first time was bad enough – “

“ _Wait._ Hold on. _First time?_ Are you telling me you’ve been violated before?” Jason stared down at Dick, gazing intently at him as his expression turned into one full of rage.

Dick caught his breath. “…Yeah.”

“Dick –“

“It was a long time ago. It was when I was um, dating Starfire. And Mirage, she uh, she turned herself into Starfire and I slept with her because you know, I thought it was my girlfriend but she wasn’t. I thought I was having sex with my girlfriend but I didn’t. I was so shaken by it when I found out and I felt so ashamed and guilty that I hurt Starfire, that I- I cheated on her. And then I got called a slut and dumped and – “

“Whoa. Whoa. _They_ called you that? A slut?”

Dick nodded.

“Your friends?” Jason growled.

“Teammate. I mean, I was young. They didn’t –“

“No Dick. You are not at fault. You do not defend them.”

Dick bit his lower lip, struggling with his feelings. He was young back then and he didn’t know how to deal with it. It happened so fast and when everyone blamed him, especially Kory, he felt that he was in the wrong. And that he deserved their hate and Kory’s hate. But he knew now that it wasn’t the case. That he shouldn’t have received the full blame. Sure, it was partly his fault for not recognizing that she wasn’t Kory but how could he? He thought it was his girlfriend. That was Mirage’s power. To be exactly like the person she turned into.

Jason looked appalled and started cursing loudly, blaming Mirage for daring to pull such a stunt and flaunting it. Blaming his teammates for shaming him. And how wrong it was of them and her and fucking, how he wanted to skin them alive. Then shouted that it wasn’t Dick’s fault, that none of this is his fault.

“Fuck Dick! I just, _fuck!_ I wish I could have protected you.”

“I know. It’s okay. It’s in the past. But it’s frustrating and it brings up bad memories. First Mirage, then… _her._ ” Dick spat as a cold chill climbed up his back. “I-I don’t even know if I’m getting better. I just want to be better. I just don’t want this haunting me, disrupting my life.”

“Dick, I would argue against that. You’re definitely getting better. I’ve watched you. You’ve become less twitchy with me and you’re better now when I touch you.”

“It’s because it’s _you_ Jason,” Dick said, a soft smile appearing on his face. “I’m comfortable with you. And well, I like you. You’ve been so good and patient with me. It took some time for us to be like this but it worked. I’m still not completely healed yet but, with you, its better.”

Jason’s jaw dropped, completely speechless. He looked like a deer in headlights. “Wait. Did you just say you like me?”

A tint of red crept upon Dick’s cheeks. “Yes,” he murmured.

Jason was still in shock. He didn’t expect to hear that at all.

Dick smiled and tugged at his hand, twining their fingers. “You treat me with respect. As a person. You take the time and patience to take care of me. It just, it warms my heart. Sorry it’s a little cheesy.”

Jason wasn’t saying a single word and Dick was kind of afraid he’d scared him off with his feelings. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

“Can I hug you? I really want to hug you.”

Dick breathed a sigh of relief and smiled, chuckling. “Yeah. You can.”

Jason pulled him into a tight hug, arms wrapped snug around his waist, encasing him. “Don’t worry Dick. It’ll be okay. You’ll heal from this. It’s wrong of them to treat you like that and you’re just going to have to tell them no because they won’t stop. But I can also be there to beat them up for you.”

Dick laughed.

“And I’ll be here to help you get better. You’re getting better Dick. Soon you’ll forget about them.”

Dick’s fingers curled, grabbing onto Jason’s shirt. “Okay. I just don’t want this to have a long lasting effect.”

“It won’t. You’re strong and tough and you’ll bounce right back. And I’m here. If there’s anything wrong, you say it and I’ll be there. Any time Dick.”

“Jay… you’re too good for me.” At this point in time, Dick was already crying, sniffling against Jason’s shoulder.

“Well you know. I uh. Fuck. I like you too okay?”

And Dick cried even harder. “Sorry that all I ever do is – is cry.”

“It’s cute so it’s okay.”

Dick pinched his side playfully and drew in a breath. “You know, do you ever…want to have sex?”

“Uh. _What?_ ” Jason’s entire body froze and he didn’t say a single word.

“I just want to know,” he whispered.

Jason let out a deep sigh. He pulled Dick back a little so that they were face to face. He felt that it was better if he told this directly to Dick while he looked at him.

“I do. Of course I do. I like you. But it’s not my ultimate goal. It’s not what I want from you. I want so much more.”

“…Okay.”

“I mean, I won’t push for it of course. Only when you’re comfortable and willing. You know, give me your consent. I’d never force you.”

“I know Jay. But, I just don’t think it’ll be anytime soon. It might be a while or even a long time. I just don’t feel it. It – It grosses me out when I think about it. It’s uncomfortable. But in the future – “

“Like I said,” Jason cut him off. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Dick nodded and smiled genuinely. It seemed like the gloom had finally escaped him, if only for a brief moment.

“You okay now?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want food? You didn’t eat anything there.”

Oddly enough, Dick was hungry. He thought for sure he’d feel like vomiting at the thought of food but he wasn’t. Now that he was calm again, he wanted to eat.

“Yeah.”

“Alright. I’ll cook you something.”

Jason kept a firm hold on Dick’s hand as they rose from the couch and he guided them to the kitchen. He settled Dick on one of the chairs while he got situated in the kitchen, pulling out ingredients and pots and pans.

“You’re watching cause you suck at cooking.”

Dick laughed at that. Even if it took a while, he knows that with Jason here, he’ll be able to put this all behind him.

 


End file.
